Science-y jokes

[dgatsoulis]

Here are a few more that i found funny.

Seen on the door to a light-wave lab:
"Do not look into laser with remaining good eye."

You enter the laboratory and see an experiment.
How will you know which class is it?
If it's green and wiggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.

If it wasn't for Thomas Alva Edison, we'd all be watching TV to the light of a candle.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
-Isaac Newton1: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.
-Isaac Newton2: It was pushed on the road.
-Isaac Newton3: It was pushed on the road by another chicken, which went away from the road.
-Isaac Newton4: It was attracted to a chicken on the other side of the road.

-i to π: Be rational.
-π to i: Get real.

Edit: :ninja:ed by n122vu! :lol:

And a couple of funny quotes:

"Your theory is crazy...but it's not crazy enough to be true."
–Niels Bohr

"Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money."
– Leon Lederman

 

[Linguofreak]

there are 10 types of people in the world - those who know binary, and those who don't

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who know ternary, those who don't, and those who mistake it for binary.

 

[Moach]

a quantum physicist walks into a bar... he orders one drink for himself, then another for the empty stool next to him...
he repeats that process several times 'til the bartender asks him - Why are you doing that?

he replies - well, i'm a physicist, and quantum physics dictates that there's a small chance, that the matter above this empty stool may spontaneously transform into a beautiful woman, which may accept my offer and fall in love with me

the bartender nods... then contests - but there's a ton of hot women who come here all the time, why don't you just try it with one of them?

quote the physicist - Yeah, but what are the odds of THAT?!

 

[Viper1]

CHEMISTRY TEST BONUS QUESTION:
Q: IS HELL EXOTHERMIC (GIVES OFF HEAT) OR ENDOTHERMIC (ABSORBS HEAT)?
A: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul goes to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

 

[Nazban]

CHEMISTRY TEST BONUS QUESTION:
Q: IS HELL EXOTHERMIC (GIVES OFF HEAT) OR ENDOTHERMIC (ABSORBS HEAT)?
A: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul goes to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

Dude...................:suicide:

 

[Mister Mxyzptlk]

Oldie but moldie: Teacher tells a student "The formula for the circumference of a circle is: Pi(R squared). The student shakes his head and says" No, pie are round, cake are square!"

 

[Rtyh-12]

Our physics teacher did something quite similar, however it's not in English and unfortunately it's untranslatable.

 

[RisingFury]

Oldie but moldie: Teacher tells a student "The formula for the circumference of a circle is: Pi(R squared). The student shakes his head and says" No, pie are round, cake are square!"

The student may have paid attention in math class, but you sure didn't...

 

[dgatsoulis]

:thumbup:

 

[Hlynkacg]

A poet, a mathmatician, and a engineer are each thrown into solitary confinement. Each is given a pencil some paper and a can of beans.

When the guards check on them two weeks later

The Poet is starving but his sonet on oppresion wins a nobel prize for literature.

The Mathmatician is also starving but has covered every scrap of paper (and the walls of his cell) with formulae. The first line; "Assuming the can is open..."

The Engineer hasn't written anything, he broke the pencil while using it as a makeshift can-opener.

For a few more, see my sig.

 

[Capt_hensley]

Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford
Haven in Wales . In London, 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Swindon, 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea, 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven.

Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?

 

[C3PO]

Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford
Haven in Wales . In London, 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Swindon, 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea, 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven.

Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?

44 :thumbup:

 

[Columbia42]

Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford
Haven in Wales . In London, 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Swindon, 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea, 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven.

Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?

14:thumbup:

 

[mc_]

Teacher: two crocodiles are flying, one is green, another is heading to Africa. Question: how old am i?
Boy: You are 24.
Teacher: That's right! How did you guess?
Boy: When i'm asking something like this at home, father says, that i'm a half-fool. And i'm 12 years old...

//Hope i've translated it right - still have a problems with english.